Honestly, I think it's possible to find disappointment in absolutely everything and I don't mean that to be harsh or a synic... naturally as people we have evolved to accept disappointment as a part of our daily lives. The trick and the beauty in that though, is finding the good, finding the hope in that disappointment. Accepting there will always be the good, the bad, the ugly and running with the good. It's sort of a running joke in my family to not be an Eore and when you are you better be certain that you will be called out for that. Yes, like from Winnie the Pooh, I mean come on it's a classic but it's the perfect symilie for mopping and acting as if your world is doomed. What's the use in crying over spilt milk? I'm 24 and I spilt a glass of milk all over my kids pizza last night and boy could it have been bad... There will always be little things that disappoint you and disappoint others. You cannot please everyone, and you are not meant to please everyone. That's what diversity is all about and keeps the world and society interesting.
With that being said, there are two types of disappointment, obviously. Disappointment in yourself and disappointment in others. Everyone knows which one affects them more and which one they need to work on most. For me, I know without a doubt I WILL disappoint others, it's just part of who I am. Always has been and always will be. But don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing. I use that to my advantage because all that does is lead to self disappointment and that's what gets me. That is a big weakness. But damn when you figure that out, when you decide to have the upper hand and prove people wrong your whole world can turn around. You turn weakness into strength and run with it. People can only handle so much disappointment until they begin to change how they think about you and in turn how you think about yourself. But why? We are all human right? It's kind of ironic because every one disappoints someone in one way or another they just may not be as aware as others.
Where I am going with this is that with each sunset comes a sunrise. Every time you let people down, or someone let's you down, it will be made up for in one way or another. Maybe not by the original people involved but that's why you fill your life with as many relationships as possible. You can't fulfill all your needs, wants, and desires in one place. That'd be like eating the same thing day in and day out. Well yes of course I could eat sushi or pho or even chicken nuggets for the rest of my life but how could I? There are too many other phenomenal things out there. Just like people. If someone can only see the disappointment in you, don't sit around and try to prove your worth to them. Those people don't deserve to be in your life. You is kind, you is smart, you is important and there's a whole world out there waiting to get to see that from you! Yes I know it's easier said than done because as human beings we cling to the familiar but that's no real way to live. Be daring, be bold. In the end, someone will always be a disappointment it's just a fact but hey if you work to not disappoint yourself and those you hold dear all the rest will fall into place.
Lone Wolf
Today picking up the kids I sat watching hundreds of sheep cross the road and all I could think was that being an au pair and traveling the world as a lone wolf is fabulous for an introvert. I have extrovert tendencies but usually takes me a little liquid courage in new situations. But this time it's different. I sort of made a deal with myself that I would find my introvert-ness and make the best of out each trip and each day. Remember the meeting one stranger a day thing? It's become one of my new favorite things. You never know what you are going to get or who you are going to meet and it's thrilling. It definitely helps to be raising three tiny humans along side their parents while trying to survive our language barrier but it's the little accomplishments that make it the most exciting. I don't ever expect too much from anyone situation. It's just who I am so when my little monsters go above and beyond my expectations it's riveting! It makes me want to push my limits, to be as out going as I possibly can.
A couple weeks ago I went to Lagos, Portugal. I went with the intentions to explore the entire time, take incredible pictures and take in all of the beauty... my trip went a little differently than I had originally planned but it was phenomenal. Maybe the hostal I stayed in helped a lot but the group of people I met there each offered a different outlook on life and countless laughs. Aussies, Germans, Brits, French, you name it. It was a wonderful collaboration of people from across the world that came together to share one thing: a damn good time with stimulating company. Not only did they cook the best Mexican dinner I have had in years, I had a remarkable time I will always remember. When you are in a rut go to Lagos. Go surf, explore the cliffs, or don't. Hang out by the pool, play some pool, share some laughs with new found friends that are intrigued by your differences and are on a similar journey through life as you are.
The Alcoholic Zodic
Im a Pisces, we are incredibly emotional, passionate people but do not handle disappointment, fights, break ups, really anything negative, well. This is one area of life Pisces must fight against the forces of the universe and prove our zodiac wrong. Pisces is the 12th sign of the zodiac so literally are a cluster fuck of every other sign thrown into one and sometimes just can't figure out our shit! So there are actually lots of areas we must go head to head with the cylestial beings and keep on swimming past what is destine for us.
I used to think horoscopes were a joke but as I have gotten older and I have learned more about myself, reading my fate in the stars as a Pisces freaks me out sometimes. I swear these horoscopes know me better than myself but I use it to better understand my flaws, to better understand what makes me me. Addiction is literally a magnet for Pisces. It makes sense though right? I mean we are made up of all the other signs so we technically are a complete set of the good, the decent, the bad, the ugly, and definitely the worst. Addiction terrified me. Not just because of stories I've heard or people that I've lost but because I know it is a part of me. I ignored that for a long time. I embraced the party lifestyle with open arms, I burned bridges like I was paid to do it and man I could never resist throwing a good party which are always legendary of course. But that was then and this is what I now know. Who I am is something I wouldn't change, I'm proud and determined to be the best damn Pisces I can be. I know I can't be afraid of who I am, I can't ignore it. I have to use it to my advantage and beat the odds. Thinking back on my dark times, I would have never thought this way. I didn't. Not even close but I have come a long way and what it really took was just understanding myself. Accepting myself. Don't get me wrong, I am still a free spirit always down for a good time but I no longer will burn a bridge that isn't a toxic relationship. I keep my friends close and let people help me. I let people understand my bad so they can fully appreciate my good.
This post is intense. This post is something i never thought I could or would write in a million years. I honestly don't know why I am writing it but it gives me a little bit of closure. I am no longer ashamed. I'm still the normal kid I've always been just with a little more baggage than some people. If I can't laugh at myself and face the mistakes I've made and refuse to not make them again I just let myself down. This journey with addiction is long, it's hard, it affects countless people you and I both know. But the beauty of it for me is that it brought me here. It brought me to a gorgeous life in a beautiful city, traveling the world and discovering all that the unknown is willing to reveal to me. So I will keep fighting the good fight and won't stop until I am satisfied. Since I am I Pisces, as Dory would say just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...
Paz
The holidays are always a weird time of year for me for some reason. Christmas and New Years sneak up on you so quickly and before you know it its January 2nd, you spent the entire holiday season planning instead of enjoying every little moment. This year is different though. I expected to spend my first Christmas alone half way across the world from my family, but my family is pretty dope and decided to fly to Europe to spend the holidays in London and Paris. Nicely enough they let me tag along so this will definitely be a Christmas for the books. Sure is one hell of a way to help close out my Jordan year in 2016.
London and Paris were phenomenal to say the least. And I wouldn't say that it was because of the amazing buildings I saw, the food I ate, or even the cities themselves. It was wonderful because of the company I kept. Now to me, my family is not the typical family. We may look perfect from the outside, but we have our flaws just like everyone else but for me they tend to go a little deeper than just flaws and had become problems. I used to think this was one of the worst fates in one’s life. To have a flawed family… But this Christmas my eyes were opened to see the peace in our flaws. To embrace our disorder and see the beauty in it. I have a mother, a father, and a sister and a brother like a lot of families but what makes mine so unique is that we are all so completely different while also being so incredibly similar.
My mother always says she has three children: one who stays as far as possible from the line, one who runs to cross the line, and one who dances back and forth over the line. I am sure you all know which child I am without me having to tell you, but it is very true. This simple fact has caused lots of trouble for me throughout my life because being the bad child sure does come with its burdens but I will no longer look at it that way in the midst of my family. They embrace me for me. They enjoy my wildness and adore my free spirit. I may drive them crazy and be the reason for a lot of my Dad’s grey hair but they wouldn't change me. The worry about me and will continue to try and protect me, and that is okay because when it comes down to it, I wouldn't change them either.
Peace is the perfect word to describe our family because in the midst of chaos, fighting, laughing, and joy that is where we find our peace. We look past each others flaws or the little things that drive us insane about each other and simply just love. We enjoy each others company and it is no longer about who plays what role in the family. Hell, it has taken me the better half of 23 almost 24 years to come to this realization but that's okay. It is never to late to start fully appreciating your loved ones.
I butt heads with people. It is just what I do. My dad would probably call it a passion of mine and I wouldn't completely disagree but this Christmas I saw the error in my ways. I missed out on the majority of my last 24 hours with my family for who knows how long because I needed to “prove a point”. In hindsight, I am really just a jackass because those were precious 24 hours and I missed out on so many more memories because I didn't want to keep the peace.
This Christmas was not about gifts, or material things. This Christmas was finally just about spending time with one another, relying on each others company and conversation to get us through the days. We laughed, we cried, I yelled, we hugged. I did not realize how much I needed that week until it was gone. I often told friends in the past that I wish my family was more normal, or more like someone else’s. But man oh man was I ever so wrong. I do not want someone else’s family, I do not want my family to change the slightest bit. I am beyond blessed and in my mind, I have the greatest family that exists. There is peace in our chaos and it is purely magical.
Hugged your loved ones tonight, and give your furry friends an extra butt scratch. Our families are our undying supporters after all.
The Vast Unknown
The Cave of Hercules, I don't know if I will ever see anything like it again. You walk down through the cave entrance and as the light disappears you come across what you would least expect… Here I am standing in Northern Africa, staring at a rock shaped like the entire continent of Africa. It’s kind of one of those things that you aren't sure if it makes you want to laugh or cry... Looking out into the ocean through this continental rock, it was a glimpse into the entire vast unknown that this ocean touches. That cave had to hold so many secrets, so much history, so much past, and so much future. I couldn't help but think that I am a pretty private person. I hold onto my secrets and past and deeply trust only a handful of people. This portal into the depths of the world was revealing everything it held to each person who entered it’s cave. It was willing to put faith in each person to find its inner beauty and see all the potential it held beyond ancient rock and constantly flowing water.
Why wouldn't I want to change and be more like that? I have always been a little bitter that I tend to shut people out when things get rough or am not willing to let people in easily. Isn't that what humanity and true connections are about? How can we really get to know one another if we don't share who we truly are? It doesn't mean you have to be an open book to every single person you meet, it just means you don't have to be afraid to show your true colors and let others see you in the light you feel most comfortable in. At 23 knowing your true identity, I think, is absolutely impossible. I am still so young, I can be anything or do anything with my life that I set my mind and heart to. Where there is a will there is a way right? Now this is where I get a little lost because I am struggling with my true colors and what makes me feel most comfortable, how the hell can I put my faith in other people to go along that journey with me? Standing here looking at the ocean push its way into the opening that looks like Africa, I think I found my answer. The beauty in sharing your past and life with people is that the genuine ones want to share your future and they want to help you achieve whatever it is you are looking for.
People who come into your life along your journey to find yourself are also just as valuable. They help mold you and shape you even if they don't stay. They will become a part of your past that helped determine your future. They teach you the lessons people you are surrounded by daily are not able to teach you. A stranger passing by on the street, or an artist who catches your eye through an open store window. The beauty of still getting to create myself and my future is that if I don't let people in, people who I have known for years and more importantly the strangers I will meet tomorrow, the next day, and every day for the rest of my life, I will never get to see the power of connection or see the world through someone else's eyes. Other perspectives influence our own, they challenge our thinking. Diving into intellectual and intimate conversations, seeing people for more than just their appearance, that's when you really get to know them. I have decided to make sure l meet a new stranger every day. Some of these strangers will become friends or role models, some will remain strangers that I shared a conversation with. But each and every one will teach me something, big or small. It will still be something I will always hold dear.
This week I am in Sevilla focusing on finding those strangers who will become a part of my life here all while plotting where to go next... Maybe I will be hiking through the Sierra Nevada or watching the northern lights from an igloo in Finland. Either way, where ever my journey takes me next the beauty is that it is completely unknown!
Cheers for now kids
North Star
I had my bags pretty much packed for weeks before I had my visa in hand or flights actually booked. I knew the second I was able to leave, I would head to the airport within days. I was desperately anxious to leave Memphis and head to somewhere new. I would be missing the 2016 Presidential Election, but oh well. I'd also miss watching the first episode of Planet Earth Season II which was a lot harder to accept but thank God its a BBC series. Anyway, one comfort I was carrying with me is that I had familiar faces living across the pond which meant I wasn't completely alone and if things were to get sticky they were close enough by to call. This also meant I could begin my journey somewhere other than Sevilla and of course I picked Morocco to be that place. Morocco is a world of its own. It is hard to put into words the beauty, culture, and people that inhabit this country in Northern Africa, and it is even more difficult to explain why I love this country so much and I had only seen Marrakesh at the time...My mouth was watering as I boarded the plan in Dallas, TX just thinking about the mint tea and tajine I would get to consume. Anyone who knows me knows I adore food more than a fat kid loves cake. All foods are my favorite but especially cuisines of exotic places like Morocco and Turkey. I probably fell asleep thinking about couscous after eating my delicious coach class airplane meal. In less than twelve hours I would be walking again through the streets of my favorite country to date.
I had waited years to be able to return to the land of souks and enchanting languages. I was off to Tangier to spend time with a good friend from college who is teaching English there this year. Getting to travel with someone you care about is always a good experience but this one was much more unique. Not only was my friend living in Tangier, he has history and family here. His dad is from Morocco so I was able to experience this astounding city much more personally than your average tourist. Seeing someone in a world outside of what you are used to helps you see them on a much deeper level. It isn't the norm you are used to with each other and even if its a little strange or different than expected, it is great in its own way. People need change in relationships, people need to see each other outside of their typical lives. Having someone share this part of their lives with you is simply a beautiful experience on its own. It not only makes you realize so much more about the person with whom you are with but also yourself. In the midst of all the excitement and anxiety of beginning a year long journey into the unknown, having time to reflect and simply sit in peace was beyond needed.
The balcony of my friend’s apartment became one of my favorite places during this week. In the states I have never loved the city, it was always too overwhelming and too much going on at all hours of the day. But at this moment, being in a city surrounded by both the Atlantic and the Mediterranean was simply serene. On the top floor of the building, the sounds of the city echoed all around. It was both tranquil and hectic at the same exact time which made it that much more soothing. Watching the sun begin to set and darkness settle down on the streets and between the buildings is beautiful and powerful. It encompasses so much more than just a time of day for me, the darkness becoming the light and the stillness the dancing.
As strange as it sounds, this balcony happened to me when I needed it the most. Laying and watching the shadows move across the ceiling as cars passed by, listening to the wind blow through the hanging clothes and through open windows and doors, I found a part of myself I lost sometime ago. The wedding on a rooftop a block away lasted for four or five days and I couldn't get enough of the music, the laughter and the joy echoing through the streets. As I sat listening to those enchanting voices sing until the early hours of morning one day, I remembered what joy felt like. It wasn't necessarily this exact moment that was joyful to me, but it was all the moments of reflection that led up to now. When life lets you down for too long it is easy to forget what is important or what makes you you. I tried for a long time to get back the feeling I had listening to this music but don't think I had ever stopped to actually find it until now. Morocco already held a special place in my heart, but now it is so much more. It was now a part of my story. One of the first pieces put back together in my messed up puzzle... My dad once told me not too long ago that I need something to follow, something to guide me. I am not religious, I have left behind many things that once made me passionate. This year, this unknown, is my chance to discover my North Star and not leave it behind again.
And so the adventure continues…
Destiny in Wilderness
The West is breathtaking and astounding. There is so much of it left unexplored by me but that is left for another time... Standing on top of a hill watching the clouds roll across the sky as the sun set all around, I came to a realization. That openness in front of me was what I was longing for. The never ending limits of the sky were what I needed to reach for. I was working an 8 to 5 job that paid well, was challenging, and filled with opportunities to excel, but for some reason that was not enough. It was not filling the void I felt growing bigger and bigger each day. With my luck, my cousin who is the same age as I am, was planning to embark on a journey to Australia to become an Au pair. Envy and jealously do not even begin to describe how I was feeling. I just had to do the same thing, I had to make going back abroad happen. Off and on for the past several months I started making plans to teach English in Vietnam or Argentina or to move back to Charleston, but I wouldn't follow through. I wasn't ready to disappoint my parents, I wasn't ready to completely change my life, I was holding myself back for so many reasons. But this time it was going to be different. I was almost a year out of college, single and had no real financial responsibilities tying me down in Memphis besides the credit card debt I had accumulated over the last year with nothing to really show for it. I was free to roam this wild world and that was what I was going to do. This was my destiny.
I finally could create my own version of Into the Wild. I could be my own Alexander Supertramp and meet inspiring, unique people that will help me shape myself as a person. I could leave all of my stress and worries behind and head deep into the unknown. Maybe I wouldn't be destroying all of my material possessions or identity but staring out into this incredible sunset a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. A great sense of relief came over me and I was able to stop worrying about the future and embrace that I don't know exactly what is going to come next or even have the slightest idea of what my next year will look like. For the first time in a long time I was truly appreciating the little things and taking in all the beauty that was to come with this journey of mine.
This all look place the beginning of July... For the next couple of months I started concocting a plan on how to tackle this dream once and for all. Argentina wasn't going to work because I couldn't spend the majority of my money just getting over there and into the program. Backpacking solo for 6 months wouldn't work because there is no way in hell my dad would even semi be on board with that happening, and graduate school abroad was not possible right now because I was too impatient to wait any longer. Come September 1st I was going to quit my job and be abroad by the beginning of October. I finally settled on becoming an Au pair in Sevilla, Spain for a family of five. This was perfect. I had a place that would be home base and a family that would be looking out for me while still being able to travel as much as possible. Things did not work out how I planned time wise though or even in general... My life changed in so many ways over those couple of months. I was facing things I thought were in my past and having to re-tackle demons I thought I defeated. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and it could not have been better for me that my life got flipped-turned upside down when I needed it to be put together. I am in a better place than I have been in a good while, I completely paid off my debt and I am no longer afraid. Long story short, it is November 7th and I am finally sitting in my house in Sevilla. My journey began two and a half weeks ago and has been a whirlwind of emotions and I have already seen incredible things and met some pretty awesome people. Without a doubt, I am still constantly mesmerized.
My stories from my first trip of many to Morocco are coming up next so keep following me on this journey deeper into the unknown...
Bien Vida Desconocida. Cheers